the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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