when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
