i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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