I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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