...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
