; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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