Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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