I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
