The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
