I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
