were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
