I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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