I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
