And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
