I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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