i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
