I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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