I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
