Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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