I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
