I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize