i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
