i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
