Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
