yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
