My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize