My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
