You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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