Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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