I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
