Im at strip club and am horny
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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