Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
