I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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