Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
