At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just gift wrapped bread.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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