i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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