i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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