There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
