Don't you send me to vm
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
