Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
