R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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