Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
