she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
