even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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