I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
