I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
