I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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