I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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