I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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