my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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