I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
