there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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