what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
