Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
