I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
