I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i wish my penis had a tongue
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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