Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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