the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
