His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
