My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize