I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
