I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
