after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
