my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
