so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
