How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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