I haven't been this sober since birth.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
