My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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