I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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